Too long of a break

I have had a break from school for nearly a month. I am switching programs and the transfer has not gone smoothly. At first it was nice. Very different from winter break where I still had deadlines looming after break. I didn’t really have that mental break because I thought about the work ahead.

I have had nothing to do for these past few weeks. I read for the first week or so. I don’t really have any hobbies to keep me busy. I am bored. I want the minor stress of school back. Something to look forward to. Something to keep my mind busy. I am feeling lost again.

I have been able to think, and that is not always a good thing. I have no passion for anything. I am like a long floating down a river, bumping into this or that. The journey is unclear. I know that eventually I would like to be able to travel. I would like my own home. I would love to be passionate about something. I like a number of things, but there is nothing that I feel I must do. I fulfilled the driving need to have children and they are doing relatively well. The divorce took a lot out of me. I had a drive to be a good wife, and I would like that again some day. I am not in baby mode at all, but I am not completely closed to the possibility of more children. The right man has to come along for that though.

Maybe it’s just Texas. I am not really happy here. I miss the woods of home. I miss going out with my mom, even if she is the hardest person to live with. I miss my family and being so disconnected from them is a struggle. I miss the ex-husband. Watching movies with him, talking, learning with him. I can get that elsewhere for sure, but I am not sure I am ready to be out there.

The idea of dating someone, kissing them, is terrifying. I’m like a teenager just discovering boys and not sure of everything that goes with that. Terrified. Being an adult who has been with only one person ever makes me a rarity. I don’t know the social rules of any of this crap. I am not looking forward to finding out either.

Lost. I am completely lost.